It’s a miracle really, staying up too much and I never thought I’d survive. Used to end up puking and going for toilet breaks whenever I had to stay up whole nights to finish an assignment.
And now, I finally broke the sleeping spell… I don’t need to sleep anymore! And the best part is I don’t feel tired at all now. And have got two more shoots to do today and tomorrow! One word: Wow. I’m wide awake. Tried to get in bed, but got out too many times. How to cure restlessness? It never ceases lately.
No, I don’t think I need a cure. I’d stay this way from now till next Friday, when I hand in the last assignment.
Okay, it’s been a few strange weeks lately. Is that how end of semester rewards me? With strange days and out of the ordinary experiences? Too many questions yeah. No answers.
So anyway, I’ve been ending up in KL Sentral and Central Market too many times these days. And I’d smack you if you ever predicted I’d end up saying (one day) that “I’M SICK OF ALL THE MALLS IN KL!” I utterly hate them! I’m so bored of this place… I need another place I think. Where? Yeah, Singapore is the next best thing.
Right, what weird things have I been up to. Too many shootings for videos. Too Many. I discovered I love acting a lot, a lot. And I want to be a villain dressed in a red cheongsam and kill my lover or something with a keris or whatever satisfying weapon to cause intentional death. Must be gory and red and bloody, and very angry. But satisfied in a strange way. I know, I am going mad too. Is that weird?
What else, oh yes, I’ve been spending too much money. Too Much. I need to stop. I need a job, and fast. Soon as semester ends, that is. But I still wanna go Zouk, wanna go dancing without stopping, wanna watch a movie alone, Wanna go out a whole day without knowing where my destination is, wanna hop on a bus smack middle of KL, wanna ride on the LRT from its first stop to the last. Wanna go out and be a stranger to the world, to myself for awhile. Cause a car accident as I’m passing by a busy lane, dunk Butter Nut Crunch cookies in cold milk and eat them on a rainy day. Sleep at sunrise at wake up mid afternoon, do nothing but watch movies and go out to eat at midnight, waste a whole weekend with someone.
What I’ve done lately is get on a Keropok Lekor high, enjoy the rain without an umbrella between me and the sky, run into a mall laughing all wet and looking out of place, went from one far end of KL to another within a few hours. Got stuck on the KTM for two hours. Ate icecream alone on a rainy day, and walk and act like I’m lost. I am lost, I am drowning. But I absolutely love it.
And the best part is I get to do all the crazy stuff with someone so close to me, like Dewi. We run for the bus in the rain, run into Midvalley drenched in rain and walk like queens while we drip and slip, walk and walk when we’re angry till we end up at my place laughing and eating chips on my bed, eat hot lekor when we’re stranded in a crowded station, sleep on the couch in Sony Center, and the latest, take a trip all the way to Sungei Wang to get a fortune teller to predict our futures when our major assignment is due the next morning at 8. This is what bonding is all about. Even when the price is RM50 for 15 minutes, we just go and have our futures examined. Even when my assignment was at Zero and due less than 12 hours away. And yes, we forgot to ask the fortune teller to predict the results of our assignment. But I’m sure we did fine… and I was on time!
I don’t know what to make of this year. It’s a strange one, but such a sadly beautiful one. Too many things, I’m finally growing up, I’m finally able to look at myself longer, and finally able to say “what’s next?” Finally getting there… to what I want. I think all the hurt, all the pain, all the emotions are what makes me grow, what pushes me. Sometime’s its like adrenaline, sometimes, I simply can’t sleep. Sometimes, the bed pulls me in and all the touch on my skin tells me the only love I can find is in my bed.
I’m learning a lot. I’m learning from people, I’m finally opening my eyes, my mind, my heart, discovering secrets my body kept. I learnt from too many mistakes, now I wanna learn by listening to other people’s mistakes. I want to learn why I’m lucky in some ways, why love can kill someone inside, how pain can make you insane, and how loneliness is another open door.
And finally, I get to love a person in a special way again, to hold, to touch, to kiss, to cuddle, to hold on to, to play with, to just kiss and lick and nibble and feel again. It cures my cold skin and pumps my blood faster. I love this feeling too much. It’s good to loosen my senses once more.
Life is an adventure. Life is about living where you fear the most. On the edge. With the sharks.
All I want is to go out there and dive into the world and get everything it has to give me. I don’t care how sharp it is, how tender, how sweet, how bitter, how sorrowful… I want it all. I want to do everything till I find out who I am, till I penetrate every pain in the world.
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