Mayday Blessing

Phew, can finally relax, sit down and think of my blog! :S

It’s been too long since my last post, I’ve forgotten how to write a proper blog entry (my style anyway). I used to treat my blog as a healing and mind clearing and venting channel, and I am in need of one now. I’m so dry on life, and feeling many different feelings.

Confusion, lethargy, boldness, anger, and happiness. These days, those are the common feelings.

I’ve just turned 22, maybe it’s not a good thing to be confused. But I still tell myself, no one is ever not confused throughout their lives. I was talking to one of my best friends about people never knowing what they want in their lives, even though they’re 50, and she said “at least know what you want to do next”. Another night I was unloading with another best friend online, I told him I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I can do, I don’t know what’s life, and he told me “at least know yourself enough to climb out of the holes you make”.

I’ve tried so hard to push aside these feelings, the confusion, the denial, the lack of self recognition, but I realize, the more I drag on with it, the more longer I take time to grow up.

These days, I need to talk, I need to let it all out, because the weight keeps getting heavier, and it’s about time I recognize the obvious, recognize what needs to be discovered next, and start to be someone. Start to put the heart back into things, instead of plunging in without a head, and with a heart out of place.

Its time to learn to sit still, or lie down without moving, without doing anything. Been blocking out too many voices, been giving myself too much time from thinking and talking to myself. I felt like I’m my own stranger.

I may have lost myself thinking It’s better to lose my mind while discovering what life is, and I failed to realized that discovery of life is only worth it when you are searching for the meaning behind it too.

What I learnt so far is “life has no guarantees”. Maybe I took too long to actually ponder this phrase, I’ve seen it and heard it, but I never cared. And as usual, don’t let regrets take a big part of your life.

Last posts I saw in my blog, its all about healing from loss. I’m still in recovery. And about love, so many people are breaking up these days, and guess it’s not a good year for romance? Guess I wasn’t the only one after all. Oh, and I need to really sit down and think about the meaning of love coz I never knew what it was. And I think love is too deep for me to take. So I believe my day will come when I’m ready.

I may have lost myself for awhile, but I do know that this day will come when I have to figure out things. And if it were not for all the past days, I wouldn’t reach here now. And you see a lot of things, like how you perceive or react to certain things, and most precious of all are who your true friends are. And I learned that true friends are those who accept you for all the good and bad things you’re made of. See, I didn’t lose much; I gained back something to fill that hole. J

Twenty Two!