Family Blues on a Saturday midday

First time ever that I woke up near midday in West Malaysia. Cousin knocked on the door with her friend, wanting to give Maisy her shower in my bathroom.

What a lovely dream I had. It’s such a pity I was denied more of it. The feeling I had from that dream was one of intensely missing my family. I know I live in denial of my family most of the time. And I hate how time has changed everything for us. Time has won so many battles with us, hasn’t it? I take it especially seriously. I should try beating it more, instead of collapsing in the temptations of time.

My life as I had known it has gone. Passed just like that, and this time, I know there’s no turning back. Because dad is no longer with me, no longer on this planet. All the remainder of him is his tomb that I’ve not visited in so long. And I hate to say it, but I forgot about you daddy. I love you but where is my filial piety towards you, even after you’ve gone? I wish you were still around. I hate myself that I’m beginning to forget you, the sound of your voice, your presence, the private way you loved us. Dad, you tried so hard to overcome life, and you lived the years of a man whose death is by the years he has lived, and you lived double the time of your 50 years, and I’m so proud of you.

I know it’s too late to say this, but somehow I hope you will know that I do love you, and miss you. Everytime I go to sleep depressed, I dream of our family as though you were still with us. That’s my unconscious way of comforting me.

I didn’t see much of my dad in the dream, but yes, he was there coz I could feel that familiar ache when I woke up after I had dreamt of him. It was in a house, maybe a fusion of the old house we lived in before dad passed away, and a bit of a dream house. Dreams are always so watery and nonsensical. I dreamt miah bought a watch for his friend, and the watch looked like a fancy girls watch eventhough he said it was a guys watch. So I tried it on and it looked like a boys watch around my wrist, and the watch was simply too big for me, as in the face of the watch itself covered one side of my wrist. So weird. And I was dressed as a hippy, with this bright turquoise t-shirt and short colourful/patchwork-like shorts. And miah asked since when was I into some kinda fashion (I forgot the name he called it). I think I replied I’ve always been fashionable and he never noticed. Rather silly. I think I was wearing this hideous colourful scarf around my neck as well. Hey, it was in a house, so that outfit was kinda weird.

I miss the old miah I know. Saying this, I think my family members miss the old me. Honestly though, I miss my old self. I used to be this really quiet and ‘innocent’ girl in those days. Things have changed, innocence change and go down slowly as I grow older. Its destined. But I still wanna tell you about this brother of mine.

Miah used to be nearly like my best friend, and he always talked to be about anything that bothered him. All his problems brought us together, eventhough it frustrated him a lot. I always had the words to tell him that made him realize that life isn’t all that bad and there are solutions. I remember when I came back after my first semester, how he said he didn’t have me to turn to and confide in and give him the right words to say and think about, and he went through the choppy motions of life on his own. It really touched me and made me realize I was somewhat close to him, and he acknowledged it. Now he’s all grown up now, and he’s learned to think for himself. I should be happy, I know. But being his sister, I always think that he can do way better.

Its a lovely Saturday, people, and i'm headed out after a week of sheer assignment torture! 

Watch out for my next post... very soon. cheers!